"Miss You So Much..."

Loneliness fills my heart and saturates my days with no sunshine in my emotional forecast.


Memories that once warmed the spirit now boils with anticipation of an impending lack of soothing to come.


The void remains, growing and swallowing those memories for nothing seems to matter. Nothing seems to satisfy my love sick soul.


My wife...my best friend...my reason for being, you are my pleasure as my pain. I miss you so much.


Mother of my four beautiful babies who only have memories of you. Who need you and desire days to be with you.


Daniela, I miss you so much and as the days come and go, my love for you remains to engulf me. I miss you so much because you are my reason for being.


3333xInfinity!!!!


- Posted By Radolph "Ray" Matthews

Buttered Raisin Bread...

"Whoa... Buttered Raisin Bread!!"

I like eating Raisin Bread with melted butter on it. It's a Ray Ray Special. Okay, maybe I shouldn't be eating it, but there's plenty of things I shouldn't be do that I do now. Buttered Raisin Bread is simple. A simple meal or snack for a very simple man.


I believe in family. I believe in spirituality. I believe in working hard and I believe if you work hard, you'll reap benefits sooner or later. I believe do onto other as you'd like them to do onto you. Cliche, but it is what it is. I don't go out much. I'm not too much a fan of people. I dislike most people. I keep to myself because I can control me. It's tough trying to control and manipulate others to do what I want or need them to do for me.


I'm a man who is a father, provider, husband and one who's focused on being the foundation of something greater than myself. It's tough finding peace in that. My idea of simplicity isn't as simple as I thought. Life is so :(


- Posted By Radolph "Ray" Matthews

Sharing Pain....

Tonight, we watched our weekly show ‘The Walking Dead’ on AMC. Tonight’s episode was very emotional. I know! It’s a television show about the Zombie Apocalypse, but it was very emotional for me. Tonight, Carl watched his Mother die and then he had to put a bullet in her head so she wouldn’t come back as a Walker. It was so sad. Yeah, I bet you can guess, I was pulled into the emotional twister thinking about Daniela and our children. I was forced to ask myself… “What are they going through?”


I tend to try to face my demons and my pain in the loss of my wife and best friend, but what about my children? Damn, what have they lost? What are they without? Yeah, I’m here and they have their Dad, but they lost their Mother. There’s no one who can equate or match the relationship between a Mother and her children. The Mother is the first teacher. She is the nurturer and comforter. My children are very strong and resilient. I’ve never come across a child, let alone four children, as strong as these four are. They talk about their Mother and remember her laughter. They talk about her warmth and her guidance. They smile when they hear her favorite songs and mock how she would dance with them.


Wow…. Even writing the descriptions of Daniela and her nature, my eyes swell with tears. My tears are for missing her comfort and her support. I have so much love to give and now it seems to consume me with no place to go. It flows around through my body picking up momentum searching for an outlet. Some would say, “Direct it towards your children”, but they have their own love from me. This love is the passion of a husband to a wife. The bond between a man and his woman. The focus one man has on that one woman who completes who he is. It feels like a time bomb soon to explode. Now this explosion can be a positive one or detrimental to me.


My stomach aches as my thoughts are fleeing. I seem to have no purpose. I can feel the concern of my Father and Great-Grandfather. They don’t want me to feel this void. They love/loved their women and I know my Great-Grandfather loved his first wife even long after she returned to the essence. I wonder if it hurt him as Daniela’s return in aching my heart. Daniela used to say, the Matthews men love hard. Well, I can say we suffer just as hard.

Thank you all for allowing me to share my pain.






- Posted By Radolph "Ray" Matthews

"Politics & Me..."

We are now a few days out from the elections to see who the president of the country will be for the next four years. Okay, whatever! Everything is everything and I’m really not too excited about this year’s presidential election. I know saying that will get the crosshairs on my back, but I’m cool with that. Earlier yesterday, I told my daughter (N’kya) that who you vote for is your choice and your opinion. You don’t have to tell anyone your political views and you vote for which you, individually, believe will do more for you as an American citizen. People vote for so many different reasons. I’ve heard some crazy ones and it’s cool. If that’s how they want to spend their vote, they have that right.

Politics…

Growing up, I was never a fan of politics or the political machine. I come from a family full of me who never gave excuses. We did what was expected of us. We had/have a love and respect for family, community and country. Many people find it very comfortable to fight the establishment and blame the government for their situations and dissatisfactions in their individual lives. Some even have no true beef with the government, they just fight the powers that be simply because it was hip to do so in the ‘60’s. When I became a father, my views on things began to change. I began seeing from the eyes of a parent thinking about the lives of the children and my children as they were born. My wife, Daniela, was more political, but was my true motivator who spawned my interest in local politics. Daniela was a Legislative Aid for a Milwaukee County Board Supervisor. She and I would have long and very intense debates in our living room, which lead to our bedroom. Our bedroom was always a ‘no drama’ area. Never go to bed angry.

Soon, Daniela would tell me, “If you don’t like it, you need to do something to change it. Why don’t you run for office?”

It became an inside joke between the two of us. Daniela would go to many work related events and ask me to attend with her. She was amazing how she worked the crowd. She owned every room she walked into. Soon, though, people would ask me my opinion. Daniela would say, my southern laidback yet, passionate disposition was honest to people. The more events I attended with Daniela, I would be asked my opinion on. Our conversations became venting sessions for us. Daniela saw things from the inside and I saw things as a county employee. Neither of us were happy with county government.

Last year (2011) around October, I believe, we made the decision to go forward. There was an opportunity and we went forward with it. Unfortunately, Daniela passed as the election was heating up and getting good. Now, I take nothing away from the victor’s win of the campaign and his election. After Daniela passed, my focus was in a total tailspin.

A friend (Alderwoman Milele Coggs) told me, “At the end of your election run, you have to ask yourself if you did everything possible to win. If you did, good! But if you didn’t, you leave possibility for doubt. Never leave possibility for doubting yourself.”

Over the last year, I’ve not had anything to do with politics, local government or that professional world in general. My motivation became stagnate. My world was in turmoil. Now as I stand overlooking the ruins of my existence, I question the direction best for me to pursue as a provider, father and citizen our my community.

It’s funny… I don’t find comfort in the Democratic Party. Personally, I think that party is just as wack as the Republican Party. I don’t believe as a voter, you should have to be in a party. I’ve mentioned over and over again, I know not all Dems agree totally with the party nor do I believe all Reps agree with their party. You should have your own choice on who to vote for without the pressures of party members threatening you or making you feel uncomfortable. My grandmother (Leasie Belle Matthews), God rest her soul, when asked who she was voting for said, “That’s not your business. Who I vote for is my business. Vote for who you want to, but please don’t worry about me. Just know I do vote.” I guess she said it best. I follow her wisdom. It hasn’t steered me wrong yet.

Maybe I’m going through a midlife crisis… that would answer a lot. I’d rather charge my situation to my lack of getting after it as I should be, you know.