Sharing Pain....

Tonight, we watched our weekly show ‘The Walking Dead’ on AMC. Tonight’s episode was very emotional. I know! It’s a television show about the Zombie Apocalypse, but it was very emotional for me. Tonight, Carl watched his Mother die and then he had to put a bullet in her head so she wouldn’t come back as a Walker. It was so sad. Yeah, I bet you can guess, I was pulled into the emotional twister thinking about Daniela and our children. I was forced to ask myself… “What are they going through?”


I tend to try to face my demons and my pain in the loss of my wife and best friend, but what about my children? Damn, what have they lost? What are they without? Yeah, I’m here and they have their Dad, but they lost their Mother. There’s no one who can equate or match the relationship between a Mother and her children. The Mother is the first teacher. She is the nurturer and comforter. My children are very strong and resilient. I’ve never come across a child, let alone four children, as strong as these four are. They talk about their Mother and remember her laughter. They talk about her warmth and her guidance. They smile when they hear her favorite songs and mock how she would dance with them.


Wow…. Even writing the descriptions of Daniela and her nature, my eyes swell with tears. My tears are for missing her comfort and her support. I have so much love to give and now it seems to consume me with no place to go. It flows around through my body picking up momentum searching for an outlet. Some would say, “Direct it towards your children”, but they have their own love from me. This love is the passion of a husband to a wife. The bond between a man and his woman. The focus one man has on that one woman who completes who he is. It feels like a time bomb soon to explode. Now this explosion can be a positive one or detrimental to me.


My stomach aches as my thoughts are fleeing. I seem to have no purpose. I can feel the concern of my Father and Great-Grandfather. They don’t want me to feel this void. They love/loved their women and I know my Great-Grandfather loved his first wife even long after she returned to the essence. I wonder if it hurt him as Daniela’s return in aching my heart. Daniela used to say, the Matthews men love hard. Well, I can say we suffer just as hard.

Thank you all for allowing me to share my pain.






- Posted By Radolph "Ray" Matthews