Loneliest Ever...

How can you be loneliest in a room full of people???

One of my favorite bands, Suicidal Tendencies, had a song called 'Alone' with that statement as there chorus to that song. I found spend hours on top of hours listening to the song and eventually I learned to understand and respect the words and what they meant.


You can be in a room full of people and still be oblivious to an emotional or spiritual connection with anyone. You're alone. Lately the majority of my days are lonely as ever. From my experience, people haven't been as honest with me as I try to be with them. This causes discomfort and weakens the idea of a truthful relationship between two people. I miss the comfort of being openly honest without the threat of my honest opinion causing a riff between me and the other person. Lately, I find myself defending my opinions and practices because someone may not agree with me. Instead of respecting my individual opinion, these people would rather judge or point the finger at me. To each his/her own. As I've said multiple times, we need to learn to live and let live. Focus on yourself and leave everyone to his/her own business.

I guess being alone is where my spirit needs to be although I'm hurting internally with it.


Life must go on!!



- Posted By Radolph "Ray" Matthews

"Back W/ My Insomnia..."

Well, it's official! I'm suffering from an inability to sleep normal hours and function properly. I knew it was gonna kick, but not this soon. Luckily, I'm able to watch one if my favorite shows (Supernatural) while I try to return to slumberland. Nile is knocked out on the couch and Nkya is in her room asleep. Yeah... You already know, Nasir and Naim are both with their cousins this weekend.

I had a rough day yesterday. Damn, I've not had one in a few weeks and it was very heavy on my spirit. Of course it was Daniela based and for some reason, I couldn't get over the moment. It drug on and remained heavy through the entire day. :), its very pressing on my chest carrying the anxiety throughout the day with me. Not feeling competent enough to lead my babies forward. Then with my lack of proper sleeping...

I haven't felt comfortable enough to sleep since Daniela passed. It was easy to rest when she was around because I could trust her and I knew she was watching over me. So many people take that for granted. Having someone you trust so much, you're able to release and allow them to watch over you.



I would always joke that sleep is over-rated and I'll sleep when I'm dead. Well, I wish I could get a good night's sleep, but I worry about my children and our family security so much, it's all I can do and end up sacrificing my own rest. Sad? I know it is.

Due to my lack of proper sleeping habits/practices, I'm sleepy throughout the day and am not able to function as I desire with my children. I'm going to need a new plan because this one isn't working. At least, I'm able to watch a few more episodes of Supernatural. :D!!!

Also, I have the opportunity to refocus and plot out the outlines and storylines for my writing projects. Since, I’m nearly finished with ‘Pine Hill Road Diaries’ and working on ‘Under My Flesh’, which is a compilation of several short stories, I have time to work on those. I’m corresponding with my editor and getting everything ready for self-publication and distribution of ‘Pine Hill Road Diaries’ by the New Year. Personally, I think that’s a cool trade off for sleep. 

Please, if you have any inquiries about my or N’kya’s projects, you can contact me at: rmatthewsjr1@me.com. We would love to discuss them with you and get your input and feedback. 

- Posted By Radolph "Ray" Matthews

"Something About Where I'm From"

This morning my heart is heavy for my family in El Dorado, Arkansas where I’m from. Many people ask why I write so much about Pine Hill Road. They ask what is Pine Hill Road? I usual tell them, it’s where I’m from, but when I got this message this morning, I realized, it’s much more. Yeah… Pine Hill Road is where I grew up, but it’s also the nucleus of everything I’m made of and could ever hope to be.

Pine Hill Road is a dead end road off of Mount Holly Road, which runs from El Dorado through Union County into Columbia County and probably through the southern part of Arkansas. When you turn on to Pine Hill and pass by the small private pond to the north of the road, you realize you’re not in 'Kansas' anymore, To-To. The thick tree limbs hung heavy with weighing leafs and even heavier branches above the graved roadway. It seemed as though you were traveling through an organic tunnel. There weren’t many houses on Pine Hill Road; three on the south side and three on the north.

One of the things about Pine Hill Road, for me, were the men who lived there. Other than my father and great-grandfather, Pine Hill had its share of good men. Great men who believed in family and community. It was the best place for a young man to find his models of what ‘real’ men are like. There were men like James Sanders, Mr. Blake, Mr. Robinson and Billy Cook. Along with my father and great-grandfather, these men made sure I was accountable for being the best man I could be.

Billy Cook owned the house next door to us. Now, you have to understand, I’m from the south. So, my idea of next door is a tad different than what next door means in Milwaukee or any larger city. Next door was comfortable. Houses weren’t sitting on top of one another; we had some breathing room between residence. Billy was Rose and they had a house full of kids, =D. The most memorable thing I got from Billy was his work ethic. Now you know people who work hard, but not like this. Billy was the hardest working man, I’d even known. His children respected him and his wife supported him. I knew, I wanted to work and be a man like him.

This morning, I found out that Billy is in need of our prayers. Not getting into it, he deserves the respect of everyone reading this. He is an example of what ‘real’ men are and what these young men need to aspire to become.  

"Daniela in New York..."

I remember this trip so well. Daniela went to New York with her boss/BFF Beth Coggs. They went to the BAEO Conference and she was able to do something she never thought she’d be able to do… visit the great Big Apple. She was there for about four days and truly enjoyed herself. I remember having to tell her to stop calling me and to just have fun. She wanted me to go so bad, but I didn’t want to be a third wheel amongst women. Damn, I wish I would have.

 As usual, Daniela spent the majority of her time trying to do for the kids and I by buying us tee shirts and knick-knacks. She even went to the Renzo Gracie New York School to buy me a rashguard, but they weren’t open. Such a selfless woman; Daniela rarely thought about herself and always had the kids and I first on her agenda. 

    

HAHAHA.... All I thikn about when I see these pictures is Jay Z's song about New Your with Alesha Keys.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UjsXo9l6I8 

"Training Schedules..."

Last year September, I had surgery on my right Rotator Cuff. It was a painful surgery and very tough recovery. I took a long time healing all while trying to get back to where I could train Jiujitsu and get things rolling again. Well, life tends to get in the way and shape your fate. The past year has been ultra-rough with my body and health not to mention the other crap surrounding me. Right now, I’m focused on getting things back rolling properly and getting my training schedule solid to maintain a weekly and monthly routine for myself.

 Recently, I did the tom -foolery and over-trained in a short period of time. Multiple Jiujistu trainings, swimming lapse (sprints) and tried a Crossfit Training Session. Wow… at my age, I need a different recovery time for my body to heal and re-coop itself from training so rough. I know I need to just focus on my Jiujitsu and getting acclimated back to training as much that’s healthy for me.

 You guys hear me rant about how over=rated sleep is and how I don’t need to sleep much, but that’s not really accurate. My sleeping patterns are twisted and to the point that its affecting my body and causing me to become exhausted much faster than usual. I really need a supplementary training program to offset Jiujitsu. I’m not a runner, too fat, but I can swim and actually enjoy swimming. Also, my diet needs to be sharpened while I eat scheduled meals at preset times.

 Schedules are so important. Training, eating, resting, etc. schedules are important to maintain the body and allows the body to know when to do what.   

iPad Mini.... Really???

Here I go again laughing at myself.

Yesterday, Apple launched the new iPad Mini. It’s actually pretty cool looking. It does the same thing as the previous iPads, it’s just a lot smaller, which leads to my main dilemma with Apple right now. I was already anti-iPad because I said, “If you have an iPhone, why would you want an iPad?”



Think about this for me: You carry around an iPhone in your pocket, I have a smooth Mophie clip with my Mophie battery case, so I don’t use pockets. Anyway… Everything I can do on the iPad can be done on the iPhone. Now with the new iPad Mini, which is a smaller version and not too much bigger than the iPhone, one becomes obsolete. It seems as though buying both an iPhone and iPad Mini would be wasting money and slaughtering the cow twice. With that being said, why do I want an iPad Mini so bad? I don’t need it, like I don’t need an i5 (with the iOS 6 Downloads to the 4/4s, you are good), but I just have to have one.


- Posted By Radolph "Ray" Matthews

"From The Mouths Of Babies..."

Hey world… How’s everything going these days? That’s how I tend to start my journals to myself. I charge everything to asking how the day is going so far. You’d be happy to know, I’ve never heard a verbal answer/response come back to me. I guess, I’m happy as well. Yesterday was a very drab and hollow Monday. It was raining and warmer than comfortable. This is truly sick weather. A friend told me weather doesn’t get you sick, you get sick from germs. Okay, then this is “germmie” weather and I’m liable to get sick from that. Whatever it is, I really dislike the emotional and physical feeling the season is causing.

My youngans are all doing well. I think they find comfort in their own realm of what they deem to be important to them. For example, the relationship N’kya’s and I share with one another. Everyone who knows our family already knows, N’kya and I have always had a very close relationship. It was welcome in our family structure and it remains today. I’ve always been an advocate of men having close protective relationships with their daughters. It builds a bond and understanding while teaching the daughter her worth and what she should expect and look for in her boyfriends and potential husband.

For the last few months, I’ve had a friend I spoke with on the phone several times and actually went out to breakfast with once. I tell my children about women I have friendships with or even are interested in because I don’t want to hide from them or lie to them about what’s going on with me. They all have respected this and it actually helps our parent/child(ren) relationships. This one woman has caused issue with my daughter without knowing it. N’kya asked to talk to me and said she doesn’t want me seeing or talking to this woman for any reason. She said she feels the woman has an unhealthy spirit.

WoW!!! Eleven years old and she’s as wise as many adults I know. In telling me her opinion, I thought to joke and told her the woman was coming over and my daughter, my baby began to cry and I felt like a pile of dog dump covered in eight-week old trash. Once I realized she was sincere, I quickly apologized and hugged her. First, I charged it to her missing her mother as I do most things they react to, but she said she didn’t mind if I talked to a woman who made me comfortable and happy; she just doesn’t like this one.

Daniela is my guardian angel, but it is clear, she’s left four pillars of faith around me to continue on. My children are beautiful and very opinionated. Their opinions were forged in our home being guided my their mother (Daniela Matthews) and I in truth and kindness to all. It was said there is a power of truth, which comes from the mouths of babies. My daughter isn’t jealous of attention I may give someone, but she is someone who knows wickedness.      

Safety and Security.... Is It Over Rated???

Yesterday, I drove to my parent’s house on 19^th Capitol Drive here in Milwaukee. Their house sits on a very busy corner with both foot and vehicle traffic. As I pulled up to the intersection, MPD vehicles and yellow tape blocked it off. Nearly twenty minutes before I arrived there was a shooting in the intersection. Multiple shots were fired with at least two vehicles being involved. I’m not sure if anyone was hit or not, but no one at my parent’s home was injured.

So before I begin, I know you know what I’m already thinking. I know you want to say it can happen anywhere… I agree, but let me get my thought out. Being the parent of four children, I have to focus on their wellbeing and security. As a parent, I must give my children the sense of security with out the utter senseless violence and criminal nature of so many we run across in today’s modern urban communities. As the day’s come and go, we are living witnesses to the de-civilization of the American and Global Societies. Criminals are being protected by the laws and legal system built by the framers to create an equal and fair society from injustice.

I’m gonna show you a video. Understand the video is disturbing in some areas, but the idea is to know what you think and if you agree or not with the out come. Please watch and listen then make your judgment. The narrator is actually very neutral in his commentary.        

Fat Boy Jiujitsu Vlog

Returning to training is tough. It's nauseating and makes you question yourself and abilities. You just have to remember one thing: "DON'T QUIT!!!"

I have to keep pushing.

- Posted By Radolph "Ray" Matthews

Own Your Actions

I'm so confused with people and how think in today's society. Too many people are given excuses and ways out of their own responsibilities. In Milwaukee the news has been saturated by the Derek Williams case. Derek Williams, an attempted armed robber, was in the process of robbing a young UW-Milw Student when the Milwaukee Police showed up and chased Williams ending in his being put into (MPD) custody. Williams was handcuffed and put in the back of the police car. After being handcuffed and sat in the rear of the car, Williams began complaining he couldn't breath. Later investigation found Derek William was an asthmatic. Williams told the officers and asked for help multiple times. The officers refused resulting in Williams dying due to the police negligence.




Well, that's about it for me. That's where my position changes a tad. In having this conversation with people, I'm told I'm heartless, an Uncle Tom, sellout, etc. A reason being because I believe too much pity is going to Derek Williams and his death. I have no pity for Williams or his family other than he actually did die. With that said, Williams was a criminal, a thief and a menace to society. He died as a result of his own criminal activities.



Sure the officers were bogus for not letting him out of the squad car, but that's the game. They didn't know nor were in any position to truly believe he was telling the truth. Remember, he was a criminal caught in the act of committing a crime. Derek Williams was released from jail for the same crime earlier that same day. Really? When are we as a society going to stop defending people who blatantly break the law and commit crimes against us?



I went extreme when I spoke with my sisters about this case. My sisters, who both happen to have three sons each, like me. That's 9 young men ages 6-21 years old in our family. I say that to say, we as parents are responsible for those young men and how they behave and represent us as a family in the community. I told my sisters I blame Derek Williams and his mother. My opinionated problem with his mother is she has joined the bandwagon against the police and totally forgot her son died in the backseat of a police car "After" he was caught for attempting to rob someone after being released earlier that same day for the same criminal behavior.



There are issues and concerns people could form uproar against more necessary than Derek Williams. What about the 13-year old boy who was shot down by the older man who said he was he was threatened? What about the illegal strip searches being done by rouge MPD Officers?

I just feel in 2012, you are in a time in society where liberal bleeding hearts have nothing better to do than search for reasons to destroy and bring down government and established rules of order. This is why the Republican and Democratic Parties are useless today. Their agendas are self-serving. So-called Republicans can’t honestly say they are against “all” of President Obama’s Policies; nor can Democrats say they’re totally against everything Republican. If they do, they are lying. I’m not a fan of Milwaukee Police, but I do understand logic. The police aren’t the enemy all of the time. We can use their assistance some times. People, I beg you to find a more convincing example of injustice. Find someone who didn’t just get released from jail and who died while in the act of being re-arrested for committing the same crime later that day.



What about the 13-year old shot and murdered? We have our own “Trayvon Martin-like” tragedy, but nothings being focused on it. What about the illegal strip searches by Milwaukee Police? Come on people, wake the hell up! Should Chief Flynn be fired? I’m not sure. As I’ve said, I’m not a true MPD Fan, but things in Milwaukee can be much worse. I apologize if anyone is offended, but waving the banner of injustice behind the death of a predator of our community is wrong. It’s just dead wrong. Please find purpose and teach our children to be righteous upstanding citizens and add to the growth of our community and larger society. Advocates for Derek Williams will say his rights were taken from him. Well, what about the rights of law abiding citizens to walk the street without fear of a repeat offender robbing them? That’s my concern.




- Posted By Radolph "Ray" Matthews

"Beautiful..."

It’s been a trying road full of pain and disappointment. Many days have found me confused and stressed out. Many times I’ve nearly begged to be taken to my dear wife, Daniela in the afterlife only to, then, see the tearful and tired eyes of our four children. I know I have to push through and assist them through these years and prepare them for their adulthood. No worries, Daniela and I will be together again…



Daniela and I spent a lot of time together. When I say “a lot” I truly mean it. We would go to the bodega together, out to eat, school meetings and such. We even volunteered doing the same things so we could spend that time together as well. Some of our family and friends thought we were what they called, “doing too much”, but we didn’t mind their uneducated analysis of how we manifested our relationship and marriage. We just did what we found to work for us; and it did work. Many times we would find ourselves consulting our friends and other couples. Guys would always say how they wanted a woman like Daniela and women would say how they wanted a man like me. This would always make Daniela and I laugh. She would explain that it’s all about fitting with one another. I’d add and we need to understand how to sacrifice. You can never be greedy in this type of relationship. It’s more about what you can give than what you can get.




Since Daniela passed, I’ve had two situations, which weren’t planned with women. In the process of these encounters, I find my feelings for my wife to dictate the tone of the relationships. It’s shown me many women are wanting to idea of having a good man and a man who believes in relationships and love, but what they want is to say they have a man and remain independent. Daniela wanted to love and be loved and she believed in family and loved children. It was a beautiful experience being in love with her. She taught me there wasn’t anything with being in love. Together, Daniela and I understood the importance of knowing our places in our relationship and marriage. Yeah, I said it! I said we knew our places. She knew I was the husband and father, as I knew she was the wife and mother. Really, it was a wonder and beautiful bond. I guess that’s why I’m still so motivated by seeing her again.




I know many cool people. Many of them are amazing, intelligent and gorgeous women who are single parents raising beautiful children. These women who struggle day-to-day, but who push forward for their love of those children. These women have been in relationships that gave them their children, but who experience men not mature enough or worthy to have them as their wives. My heart hurts for these women because they are taking care of their children and their business and struggling without the love and support of a man worthy of them. These women are always on my mind because they are amazing to me. I pray for them everyday.




Ladies, keep your heads up! You know who you are, ;D


- Posted By Radolph "Ray" Matthews

"In A Stranger's Hands"

Let me begin this by saying, I transport my children to and from school each day. Yesterday morning soon after I dropped my children off at school, I came to an intersection where I saw a large yellow school bus at the intersection facing me headed in the opposite direction. Nothing odd about it, there had to be hundreds of yellow school buses ripping around the city the day at that time. While we sat facing one another at the intersection, I noticed the driver was smiling and laughing. There were children on the school bus, so I figured the driver’s jovial expressions and spirit was due to something one of the children said to her. Maybe there was a 13-year old on the bus sitting not three rows behind the driver who said something teenagers usually say, which would cause us to laugh. Maybe she thought about the recent Presidential Debate and laughed at how the most important thing America got from the debate, itself, was that Gov. Romney is not a fan of Big Bird or the PBS Channel. I’m not sure, but now I was invested in why she was so happy.

Then as my truck and her school bus began moving through the intersection, I noticed she had one hand, her left hand on the steering wheel of the large school yellow bus and her right hand up against her right ear holding her cell phone. With children on her bus during morning rush hour, when she should be focused on maneuvering that large yellow school bus through intersections and traffic, the driver of this large yellow school bus was on her cell phone laughing and not nearly as dedicated to the safety of the children on her bus or the citizens in other vehicles around her. As our vehicles crossed, my heart tightened. This was horrifying to see. I looked in my side rear-view mirror and watched as the yellow school bus vanished down the traffic filled street. How easily could that recklessness have caused a crash, I thought to myself. The driver’s logic surely would have been how she was careful and how I was blowing it out of proportion.

When I reached my house, I began thinking about the many young children who have suffered and even died due to the reckless behaviors of those who we, parents, entrust with our children’s safety and well-being. Here in Milwaukee several children have died in daycare vans due to freezing weather or heat exhaustion when the drivers have forgotten to check the vehicles and left the child(ren) in the vehicle to meet their untimely end.

I guess this is my plea… Parents, you have done your upmost best to prepare your children for success in their academic careers. Be mindful of those you have around your most precious and valued little ones. No one cares about your children more than you.

Please join me and be grateful, we didn't hear about a large yellow school bus crashing and injuring or killing several children yesterday on the news. I guess the bus driver was lucky... this time!!

The 'Lo Heads from Put This On S2E1

Novel Project Update

Okay family, friends and fans...

I've done it! Not the big "done it," but the most important one to push me over the hump. That tough chapter has been finished. I'll redraft it then begin on the next one. I feel good about it. A little raw, but overall, I feel good about it.



Initially, I wanted to finish the novel by November 1st. I can still do it. I just want to get the story strong so I can build off of it with new stories.


- Posted By Radolph "Ray" Matthews